Several years ago I came across the website of a California urban homesteading family. This family had two or three grown children who lived at home with them. The whole family "farmed" their little city lot, providing food for their family and to sell to local restaurants.
Damien and I had never dreamed of a "house in the country" or attempting the modern day homesteading that is popular in certain circles these days. We loved many aspects of Maine urban living, including Damien's walk to work. As long as we had our weekend fix in the mountains we were quite happy with city living.
But urban homesteading, like this family was doing in California, now this was new to me. (This was before urban homestead blogs hit the blogosphere big time.)
We lived on a small city lot, where we planned to stay. Perhaps we could build a little homestead there? Like SouleMama, in the city.
Problem is, I'm not married to a homesteader guy. I'm married to an adventurer. A man who's internal compass points to the mountains, not the farm.
In my last post Walking the Same Path, I talked about how Damien and I have worked to a build common vision in our marriage. Sometimes one of us leads and the other follows in our journey towards a common goal.
But if one of us has a dream and isn't willing or able to lead, that dream is probably not going anywhere. Such was the fate of my urban homestead dream.
Unlike that family in California, I lived in Maine, with a much shorter growing season. I had three young children who were not a significant help in my gardening endeavors and my life partner was not all that interested in growing things.
I didn't have the time or energy to lead this effort, so I scaled back the dream to creating an urban oasis (vs. self sufficient plot) and contented myself with buying local veggies.
Of course there was another huge factor in my urban homestead dream dying before it had taken root - our decision to move back to Canada. (Thoroughly documented at Outsideways and FIMBY.)
You see, there was another dream we both wanted to pursue. And that dream was to bring Damien home, to work together, and to build a location independent livelihood. We wanted a lifestyle that allowed us the freedom we now enjoy. Freedom to work from home, to travel and adventure, and to raise and educate our children together.
To realize this dream took everything we had to give (and then some). There were a lot of things I let go of, the urban homestead idea being one.
We all have to let go of some dreams to embrace new ones. In the process of letting go we experience both loss and fear.
The loss part is obvious, after all, we're letting go of something. But we're letting go of that thing to grab hold of something else. We're not left empty handed.
There have been times this past year where I have mourned my losses, that's only natural and I try be compassionate with myself as I experience that sorrow. But in the pain of those moments I also have to gently remind myself of all the goodness I am holding right here in my hand because of letting go of something else. Goodness that is easy to take for granted because it's so much a part of my life now. Our current home in the mountains, growing my writing work, and sharing everyday living (parenting, homeschooling, income-earning, etc.) with Damien. This was what we wanted. This was what I wanted.
Letting go of old dreams to embrace new ones is a frightening prospect also. We fear losing part of ourselves.
If I let go of this dream so I can pursue something else, am I still me?
Yes! You are. But you may be a different you, and that's ok. Not different in personality, temperament, or core life values. But different in life experience.
And this is where letting go of old dreams and embracing new ones gives us our greatest gift - our personal growth.
I don't want an urban homestead anymore. I love living where we do. I do miss my garden though, especially this time of year.
I will garden again someday and I might even have a small not-so-urban homestead but there are other things I am tending and growing right now - homeschooling our kids, my writing, and a working partnership with my husband. It's a good dream and it's a good life.
I wonder what the next dream will be?
Have you struggled with letting go of one dream to embrace another? Any words of wisdom to share?
Comments
Oh yes....I have let go of my
Oh yes....I have let go of my dream of being a well-known Suzuki violin teacher. I wanted to travel the country each summer and teach at Institutes, write articles for the journal and have a flourishing home violin studio. Then I became a mom - twice. Then we moved 3 times and I lost my established studio. Now I'm homeschooling. That dream is gone and the new one looks so different. Like you, creating the new dream with my husband has been helpful because now it's our dream for our life together...and that makes a lot more sense.
Hope you don't mind, I pinned
Hope you don't mind, I pinned this article. You always give me so many things to think about, to dream about, and a kind of road-map to follow to get there. Our family is at a point where we can make many different lifestyle changes and decisions. Your blogs and family thoughts give us much to consider. Thank you for sharing.
Jennifer, we don't mind at
Jennifer, we don't mind at all! These are publicly-shared thoughts. The more readers the merrier!
My parents were homesteaders
My parents were homesteaders/small holders (not urban) 35 years ago, when pretty much nobody was doing it. We milked our own cow, had sheep,chickens, pigs and an enormous garden (they still have this). They also converted an old barn into our house (whilst we lived in a small mobile home) decades before it was popular and my father was running his own high technology manufacturing business. Looking back I don't know how they did it and I have enormous respect for what they achieved.
It had lots of benefits for us growing up as kids, but I also remember that they always seemed so busy. They always seemed to be working. I can see homesteading something similar in our future, but not until my children are a lot older. I want to put my time into growing them and not potatoes:).
As to giving up on dreams. Well there's been quite a lot, but a few still remain.
Jason, that's really
Jason, that's really interesting. Damien and I have talked a lot about how the main thing we are growing right now is our family. Or at least that was the main thing and now as our children get a wee bit older we are branching out (ie: I am branching out of the home a bit more).
Your comment about your parents busyness gives me pause. Damien and I feel quite busy these days as we try to get on solid footing following a year of moving and making this big life change. But I don't want to be so focused on moving forward that we miss out on these relationships right here with our children. It's a hard thing to balance it all when you move in a more entrepreneurial direction. Mind you, working long hours for a job outside the home is also hard to balance. Hum... there is no easy, is there?
Yes, I had a dream plan for
Yes, I had a dream plan for my life. It was living well into old age with my soulmate, Damien's dad. When he passed away in 2009, I thought my life was over too. I never imagined that I could live to dream again of new adventures. But I was wrong! My life is very different now, and I often wonder if I have changed. But I haven't! I have just had many new wonderful experiences and I dare to dream more new ones again. There are so many new ways that a person can live and each of those ways have their exciting, unique, special experiences. They enrich us, teach us and open our minds and we find that we can 'look and think outside the box' more easily and freely. It frees us from fear, in the end, because when we stay in a niche too long, we become afraid of change. And then our growing slowly grinds to a halt.
It's an exciting problem to
It's an exciting problem to have, to let go of a dream to pursue another. It means you have more dreams than you have life for, and get to choose! I've let go of many dreams over the years, sometimes due to circumstances, sometimes to pursue other dreams, sometimes because those dreams accrued benefits to me but not to those I've committed to care for and put first. There are always other dreams to pursue...
Oh yes! And it was the exact
Oh yes! And it was the exact same one as you... but we went as far as experiencing it for 2 years before letting go of that dream and moving on to the next! What an amazing life we have! We are so lucky!
I remember being forced to
I remember being forced to dig deep to find new dreams, when the last child left home and we were left facing 'the empty nest syndrome'! Some parents have a hard time with that one. It's so hard to let go of that dream....but when you do.....the young fledglings stare at their parents pursuing new dreams and wonder....Mom, Dad...is that you????.....
Yes, yes, yes! Dreams have
Yes, yes, yes! Dreams have had to change. My children were grown, I was dreaming about and making plans for retirement. Then, WHAM! My husband and I took on raising a 22 month old grandson, whom we eventually adopted. Then I discovered homeschooling, which is awesome. Now, almost 11 years later, life is good. For about three years I took care of my ailing huband who, sadly, passed away two years ago. Recently my son and I moved back to my home state after being gone 23 years. I house share with my sister, will continue to homeschool through highschool, and enjoy life to the best of my ability. My son and I have recently become Civil War reenactors and at almost 61 years of age I will be going camping this weekend (first time in my life) at a reenactment. We also plan to take up hiking (new for both of us), and any other opportunities that come our way. Whatever life brings in changing your dreams, embrace it, keep looking for the positive, and enjoy to the fullest. We have been blessed with this one life and must go with the flow, willingly. What other option is there? I refuse to be miserable! AND, Renee, thanks for all the inspiration you give to us. You are so very appreciated!
I went through this big time
I went through this big time when I found out I was pregnant with baby #4 and knew I had to set something aside, at least temporarily, so I could devote myself to my new child, to all of them. I feared that if I gave up my dream I would never come back to it. But then I realized that if I forced myself to do it all, I wouldn't be happy, either with the upbringing I was giving my kids, or the commitment I was able to give to making that dream come true. Kids don't stay kids forever, so I know I can give my all to them, and someday follow that dream - everyone wins, and I have no regrets.
Thank you!. This is exactly
Thank you!. This is exactly where I am today. My husband and I have always dreamed of living out in the country to raise our family. We have been married 15 years now and have six children, the oldest age 14 and almost "grown-up" and our dream just became realized this month! We are living on 20 acres with a beautiful barn, chicken coop and garden all ready to be filled up. Interestingly, now that I am "in" our dream, I feel so scared. Our city life was normal, chaotic and cramped but convenient and close to familiar faces and pizza. 35 miles didn't seem so far last month.
Change. It fills like labor pains. A friend said to me, "Do not doubt in the darkness what you knew to be true in the light." I can see the beauty all around me. I know the reasons we came here. I know that we prayed much about this decision. So, now I am trusting.
"If a son shall ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent?" Luke 11:11