Your Best Backpacking Partner Might be Closer than You Think

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Submitted by damien on
Disclaimer: In this post I am going to be talking from the perspective of a certain stereotype: that generally men are more drawn towards "rugged" outdoor adventure than women. I know that this isn't always the case, but it is one that I do see frequently. Thus I am going to write from this perspective. If it doesn't apply to your particular situation, you can ignore it.

A month ago I was visiting a friend while attending OR. We were talking about backpacking trips. He is married and has growing kids. He loves to get outdoors. The problem he is facing these days is that it is becoming increasingly difficult for him to find backpacking partners. All of his friends are just too busy with life to schedule trips with.

What was going through my mind while we were having the conversation was, "why not take your wife and kids?" You have a pre-built hiking/backpacking partner, you just don't know it yet. So I posed the question: Why don't more men go backpacking with their wives? Or to turn the question around, why don't more women want to go backpacking with their husbands? This sparked an interesting conversation that kept me thinking about it for days afterwards. Why can't we as men share something that we love so dearly with the ones we love?

Renee and the kids in the tent

One thing I hear from a lot of men is that they can't wait until their kids get a little older so that they can take them camping and backpacking. I rarely hear them saying they can't wait to take their wives backpacking. Why do men anticipate being outdoors with their kids more than their spouses? Probably because kids are full of awe and wonder with the great outdoors, and can appreciate the outdoors for what it is - a big adventure in fresh air with people they love. With spouses on the other hand, an unknown experience like backpacking, especially when one person is reluctant, can be a real relationship tester. Nobody wants that when all they are trying to have is a little recharge time in the outdoors.

Here are the top reasons (from our own experience) why I think wives often are not interested backpacking, and some thoughts on what has worked for us:

1. They are worried that they will be uncomfortable (cold, wet, smelly, dirty, etc.)

This was a big one for Renee. She does NOT like being cold, wet, or smelly. Dealing with this has been a combination of research, gear/clothing purchases, education, and acclimatization (i.e. getting used to it). Researching the right gear to buy, and then buying it was an important step. Reassuring her that being cold is actually a problem, not something we just have to suffer through. Learning that being wet (and having wet feet) is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you are not cold and have the right clothing. Using merino wool to help with the smell, etc.

We took the time to slowly build trust in the gear, and to acclimatize to being in the outdoors in all conditions. This has been critical. Also, when problems did arise (and they will), reassuring her that the problem will be figured out - and then making changes to our systems to help remedy it - helped to build trust.

Of course we all know that these discomforts are inevitable at some point. We will get cold, wet, smelly, and dirty. It is your approach towards dealing with them that will make all the difference.

Ultimately she needs to feel like you understand, that you listen, and that you are taking care of her needs. If you can achieve that in the outdoors, then you have it made.

2. They don't want to physically work and/or sweat

For some this may not be an issue, for others it might (it was for us). Renee was never really one for vigorous physical activity. This has largely been overcome through acclimatization (and proper clothing selection). By gradually building up our hiking mileage and Renee slowly building up her fitness, we have largely overcome this issue.

Having the reward of breathtaking beauty, only attainable by hiking to a nice location really helps a lot too. People are willing to put in a little work for some reward. The fact that Renee appreciates natural beauty made the work worth it for her. Also knowing that few others will experience this without putting in the effort brings a sense of accomplishment, which is another reward for hard work.

Renee and Celine hiking

3. They don't want to do the trip prep

Preparing for a backpacking trip can be daunting for someone who is not particularly inclined to go in the first place. The solution to this is easy: Do all the work yourself. Do all of the planning, shopping, food preparation, and packing. When on the trail, do all of the camp setup and cooking. Make it so easy for her that all she has to do is show-up. If she feels like she is getting a break from all of those things, she may be more interested in joining you.

Once she is hooked and is more into backpacking she will want to help.

4. They don't feel like backpacking is a holiday/vacation/downtime

It may feel like a lot of work, with the potential for discomfort and danger. Don't sell it like a holiday. And make sure to promise her a weekend of downtime, the way she likes it (Renee likes puttering around the house) as well. Over time, you may find that she will appreciate the time spent with you in the outdoors in a way she hadn't imagined.

5. They have fear of _ (wild animals, lightening, bad guys...)

This is largely fear of the unknown. We put ourselves at risk every day by doing all kinds of activities such as driving, flying, crossing the street, riding our bikes, etc. The reason why don't have fear of those activities is that we take the necessary precautions, we are willing to accept the risks, and we familiar with them. We are not willing to let those known quantities stop us from getting on with life. The same can be done in the backcountry. If we educate ourselves and take the necessary precautions, we can minimize our risk. Then all we need to do is become familiar and comfortable with the risk.

6. They have health issues (knees, backs, feet, etc.)

This can be a tough one. Some health issues can be overcome by making changes to our diet and lifestyle. Others can't. I am always inspired to see people with seemingly insurmountable issues rise above them and do something amazing. Be inspired to figure out ways around these issues. It may take a lot of work, but it can be worth it in huge ways. As a spouse, helping out in any way you can (research, support, encouragement, etc.) will go a long way.

Many times the solutions to these problems are not what the doctors are telling you to do. Don't be afraid to be unconventional if you have to. This can be a lot of work, but the payback can be huge.

7. They may say, "It's just not my thing"

This is a non-specific catch-all phrase that covers one or more specific issues. If your wife says "it's just not my thing", gently try to figure out what the root issues really are. Once you know what they are, you can devise a more strategic plan to help her to overcome them.

What you don't want to do is make her feel like you are trying to force her to do something she does not want to. You may have to plan long term and do things gently, almost "covertly". Maybe suggest going for a hike together. Then do it on a regular basis, gradually building fitness, friendship, relationship, and trust in the outdoors. Then maybe combine the hiking with some car camping in a tent, and slowly building from there. Take your time.

As the husband, the best advice I can give you is to practice peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, and self control through this process. If you are able to pull that off, then you may just have a permanent backpacking partner before you know it.

Renee backpacking

A few lightweight backpacking spouses that inspire us:

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Comments

Thanks for the analysis!

Thanks for the analysis! FWIW, I've tried (gently) many times with my wife, hiking and car camping. She's ok with the car camping, but she really does not like hiking. A lot of it is a confidence issue (she often think she's being judged), but she also gets physically wiped out very easily. She's a bit of a workaholic, so gets upset that the recovery is eating into her time being otherwise productive. That might also be a part of it. Camping/backpacking is a time consuming pursuit. Even more so than golfing!

So, after years of trying I've finally given up and accepted that I'll be just backpacking with my two boys. Who are great company and good backpacking partners (once my youngest gets over the idea that he won't be in front of a video game).

I really do enjoy this blog. It's great to have a parents perspective on all this and it's fascinating reading about what you guys are doing with your lifestyle. Thanks.

Sean

When we first started out

When we first started out hiking together, Renee felt like she was losing time as well. That was a really difficult thing that we had to work through. She would probably be the better person to comment on that though :-)

Of course in the end not everyone will be into it, and that is OK too. Take gardening for example. I am not into gardening, so I doubt I will ever be a green thumb whereas Renee loves it. Maybe over time she will apply the same tactics to me and I will eventually like it... who knows ;-)

This is a great perspective,

This is a great perspective, Damien. It can be tricky to find good hiking partners. I come at it from the other direction - I'm a mom who hikes all the time with my kids, but my husband isn't really that into it. It becomes a problem when I feel like I can't find another adult to get out with us on adventures farther from home. I've had many discussions with my hubby about if he would be willing to come with us sometimes. He does like car camping, and does admit to being jealous of some of our adventures. But he has never really enjoyed the different pace of hiking with children and how much work it is. He also isn't crazy about some of the gear I've gotten for him. I hope to get some better (read: more expensive) gear for next year so he'll be more comfortable. I know he needs time away from his computer (!) and needs time in nature, and he does enjoy it when I am able to drag him out. But I pretty much have to do all the packing and preparation. That's OK with me. It's worth it to get us all out as a family. But psyching him up for it can be hard. I did notice that this year it's getting easier as my kids are getting old enough to walk a few miles at a quicker pace, so it's not so annoying for him to have to slow way down for them. But it's taken me 10 years to get here!

As a woman I appreciate all the points you made, and I think you're right on the money. :)

Me doing all the work, and

Me doing all the work, and purchasing quality gear were essential in the early days. Purchasing quality gear is still important, but I no longer do all the work which is nice.

Slowing down to the pace of the children can be difficult, but it doesn't take long to build-up enough endurance before they can do some pretty impressive things. I am not sure how old your kids are, but the youngest one to thru-hike the AT was 6! We also know of a family that is thru-hiking the PCT with a 7 year-old. If you keep working at it, it won't be long before they will be able to put in good mileage at a decent pace.

I did all the work at first

I did all the work at first too, but not anymore. Both my kids help with the packing--mostly packing their own gear. My son (10) carries his JetBoil and does all the cooking for the three of us at camp. Of course, all he has to do is boil water. We take simple things like Mountain House meals or couscous and tuna that can be "cooked" by just adding boiling water.

I read an article about a father and two boys who hiked the Colorado Trail last year. It is not as long as the AT or PCT, but I think that will be our first big through hike. I want to do it next summer, and my son wants to come with me. Hopefully we can work that out--if not next year some time in the next few years.

Looks like you are still

Looks like you are still further ahead then we are when it comes to camp chores. I still do most of the tent setup and the cooking. I plan on changing that soon though and doling out some of those responsibilities to the kids.

I can really relate to your

I can really relate to your comment, Jennifer, although perhaps from a slightly different perspective. My husband is passionate about rock-climbing and he's had a very difficult time transitioning to the slower-paced outdoor activities that come with having small children. I am the one that takes them hiking and does outdoor activities with them because he gets frustrated with the slow pace. I think it is all about expectations and I definitely consider it an investment in their future endurance. He's also not very into backpacking but last winter I went on a "moms-only" 3-day backpacking trip with a bunch of girlfriends (I live in the southwest so winter is our time to go backpacking - it's too hot in the summer). It was awesome and we had a blast. We are hoping to make it an annual trip. I am hoping that as our two boys (they are 2 and 5) get a bit older and stronger that we can transition to all four of us getting out to do longer distances. And, of course, we're also hoping for some family rock-climbing trips. :) Damien - thanks for the post!

Even though Ginger was

Even though Ginger was motivated to go camping and backpacking, we realized right away that if she was going to stay interested we were going to have change how we did things. For example we take Therm-a-Rest Trekker chairs backpacking. When taking our youngest on her first backpacking trip I hauled a gas lantern out with us to make the night less intimidating.

Clothing and comfort gear have been of prime importance, and we are still learning how to make preparing for a trip easier. Ginger much prefers backpacking where we are each responsible solely for our own packing, unlike car camping where we work together and our different styles can result in friction and sometimes things get forgotten.

We constantly hear people telling us how they can't get out in the wilderness stating objections similar to those you've raised. So much so, that Ginger wrote a post on the topic too, but from the perspective of the practical issues that she had when we started backpacking and camping. http://ozarkswalkabout.com/articles-getting-everyone-onboard-overcoming-...

To quote Ginger, "Not everyone is happy with 'roughing it'. Changing your mindset to accommodate comfort will lead to more harmonious camping trips and that leads to more time outdoors. And that is the goal, right?"

That is a great article,

That is a great article, thanks for sharing it. Comfort is important, there are a lot of ways to achieve it, and it doesn't have to weight a lot either. Having a warm, comfortable, dry refuge for Renee was key to keeping her happy.

I can relate to wives feeling

I can relate to wives feeling like backpacking isn't a vacation. I took my lovely wife to Glacier last year for our 10th anniversary. We spent 5 days in the backcountry. We were cold, wet, mosquito bit, and my wife lost both of her big toe nails. Needless to say I thought I would never get her back on the trail again. I was wrong. The memories we formed there are some of her all time favorites. Now she is hooked.

Nice article. My husband has

Nice article. My husband has given me all of these answers except #5, because if he ever did come with me and the kids, he would bring a gun.

I think sometimes we have to face the facts that some people, no matter how much we love them or they love us, just don't want to do the things that we want to do. That's why I go backpacking with my 6 year old and my 10 year old without my husband. The kids love it and start asking about our next trip a day or two after we return. But my husband wants no part of it.

Luckily, I have found another family with a boy and girl my kids' age who also love backpacking. So we did several trips this summer with them. It was nice to have other adults around and other kids for my kids to play with too. Of course, this makes for a pretty large group (7), which some people might not like. And I will still do some trips just with my two kids, or even just with one of them. But I am very excited to have found another family to join some of our adventures.

It really is nice to share

It really is nice to share these adventures with others. I am glad you have found someone that you can go with, it certainly wouldn't be as fun for me going as a single adult. I would enjoy it, but it is nice to have adult companionship when you are surrounded with a bunch of kids :-)

There's been a couple of

There's been a couple of occasions when I've seriously considered that your husband's answer to #5 might be right. But that was mainly down to being spooked by the nighttime wildlife or environment.

How do you find backpacking with such a large group? Do you have difficulty finding suitable spots to stop for the night, or do you disperse? It must be a blessing to have other adults and children to keep everyone amused though, not to mention lots of hands to gather firewood and get water.

I've hiked with large groups and to be frank it isn't for me, there's so much noise that one misses out on a lot. Even with just one child the wildlife seems to vaporize!

Gary, I recently talked to

Gary, I recently talked to someone at a gun shop about guns in the backcountry. He said that if your goal is to protect yourself from animals, bear spray (which I already carry) is your best bet. So I will continue to carry only bear spray, in spite of my husband's advice.

Backpacking with such a large group is difficult in some ways. It is hard to get the kids needs synchronized -- they all seem to be on different schedules for snack, potty, and layering breaks. This means you stop more often with one kid or another. I must admit that things were much more relaxing on the 5-day trip we did this summer with just the two boys (9-10) and three adults. We were able to cover more ground each day with less stopping and starting. For our trip last weekend in the Rawah's we had the whole big group again, and all three of us adults had forgotten how stop and go it is. But after the first couple of miles the kids settled in, and the second day was MUCH better than the first.

So far we all camp together -- in just two tents. But that may change depending on where we go and how quickly the kids grow. Plus my son is already saying that he wants his own 1-man tent. For most of our trips, camping spots have been designated or we have found areas where it is obvious that people have camped before.

Yes, there is a lot of noise with such a big group--especially with the giggly 6-year-old girls. We actually saw a LOT of wildlife on our trip with just the two boys. But the girls have so much fun that it worth it to me. I know they will remember these experiences when they look back on their childhood. Still, I won't take them all the time. I will do some trips on my own and some just with my son. So I vary the experience.

What a great post, Damien! I

What a great post, Damien! I LOVE hiking, always did (I used to go hiking and camping with my dad when I was young: what a gift!), but I am not nearly as fit as my partner, so this is an issue for me, but JF understands more and more how I feel... It is not always a pleasure for me to work super hard as it is for him.

Thanks Catherine! You guys

Thanks Catherine! You guys and your travel adventures are an inspiration to us! Not all together adventures have to be backpacking, we hope to do some more travelling ones to one day.

Definitely all of those above

Definitely all of those above. I have friends who enjoy hiking but backpacking is that threshold that just seems too daunting. Backpacking only became something of an interest after we were handed down old external Kelty's back in 2005ish...and then one trip turned into another.

One thing I think to stress to those you are trying to get to enjoy something like backpacking is to think that it is only temporary---the cold, the pain, the rain, whatever---is only temporary. You'll be back at home in 3,4,5 days---3,4,5 months---whatever...but it is temporary.

That said, I think there are just some people who will never be willing to go backpacking, spouses included.

I agree, there will always be

I agree, there will always be some who will never be willing to do it, and that is OK. I certainly don't want to make anyone feel bad for not wanting to go. I just want to provide encouragement where I can to help foster togetherness in the outdoors.

You are right, it is just temporary. It isn't all that uncomfortable though, especially if you are prepared (and when I mean prepared, I don't mean LOTS of gear, but just the right gear). Slowly building up to it is the best way, if you introduce too much too soon, that is when things can get more uncomfortable than they need to be.

Really love this post. It is

Really love this post. It is a dream of ours to do more together. Right now at this point in our lives we are simply too busy and financially strapped to do much.
We are working on changing that. Will probably be at least a year maybe two....we still dream.

I am the backpacker of the

I am the backpacker of the family, well more than my husband is but we love going out together! It's the best quality time we could ever get. I think more women would like it if they tried it and there are so many new products out there specifically for us that help make it more comfortable than ever. Awesome post, hope some wives take it to heart.

I am a backpacking wife, who

I am a backpacking wife, who has endured with her husband the uphill climb of a learning curve. I remember our first overnight trip, as we were on our 2nd mile he said his goal was the 10 mile loop. That was our first of many 'heated discussions' and freak outs on my part over the next couple years. He learned that letting me shop and try out gear really made a huge difference in my mental outlook and physical comfort before and during a trip. The after was usually the same from the first trip to our most recent over 12 years now, "whew I made it" ,"'wow, that wasn't as bad as I thought" and ALWAYS glad I had gone.
We pretty much backpacked 2 to 4 weekends a month over 10 years. It became a huge school of life lessons for me, that all you need to do is just put one foot in front of the other, don't stop, keep hydrated and well fed and one of THE BEST parts was the trust that developed between us as husband and wife. I trust him more now than ever in and out of the woods. Our trips also challenged my mind, body and spirit which helped me grow as a human. The moving meditation gave me the time to think and work through lots of 'girl stuff', which gave me a clearer head when back in society. The gratitude for God's gift of wilderness became overwhelming at times, which in turn helped me have gratitude in general. Also, backpacking in Glacier, Yellowstone, The Tetons, the Wind Rivers of Wyoming and in Alaska all of which are huge bear country areas upped the ante in all ways of which I have already spoken about. Sure makes you get straight with yourself, when any moment could be your last.
We also started winter backpacking in 2003, and let me tell you down slippers, a nalgene with hot water for your sleeping bag, and your honey beside you encouraging you can not be explained, only experienced. It wasn't easy but anything worth it isn't, I am a stronger woman, wife and being because of our life of backpacking. Plus, shopping and saying the most expensive pair of shoes I have ever bought are my hiking boots makes me proud ;)
My advice, husbands be patient and over caring (it will go a very long way), and wives don't roll your eyes and say no right away when he asks you to go with, and keep on keeping on it can strengthen your marriage. My mother in law gave me great advice 27 years ago when we first were married "When he asks you to go with him, go" She had no idea where he would ask me to go with, but I'm sure glad I said yes! Remember have stay safe and have fun!

We got to know each other

We got to know each other hiking, so backpacking wasn't much of a step. But we traded "You try this thing I love and I'll try that thing you love." And she did a year of martial arts and I am knitting a washcloth.

Interesting article, this is

Interesting article, this is pretty much how it was in our relationship. Except I am the wife, it's my husband who wasn't keen on backpacking. Car camping no problem, backpacking "I will be wet, dirty, smelly , hungry, cold and generally uncomfortable!"
To overcome this I spent a huge amount of time choosing gear and also dehydrating our own meals. After a couple of weekend trips we did a week long hike. Now he is a total convert. Turns that the discomfort ( and sometimes it can be cold wet etc) is worth it to spend time outdoors together away from all the pressures of our modern lives.

This is a great article and

This is a great article and though it probably doesn't need this - I can vouch for its authenticity. As Renee's Mom (so I know her very well), the fact I've watched your hiking/camping/outdoors journey as a family, and the great outdoor experiences we've had together with you - I am always amazed at how your intention and priority to what you've written here makes this a positive family experience. For you and Renee, your children, and your Mom-and-Dad-in-law. Thanks for sharing this and I hope other couples-families will be encouraged to build relationships and personal achievement together on the trail. "Mom"

Boy what a great article. I

Boy what a great article. I am in the process of trying to get my wife out side and camping. Our boys are about grown so it's just us. My wife sounds alot like Renee in terms of the cold, wet, dark aversion. I have no gear so I am starting completely from scratch. Any suggestions where to start?

I agree with clothing being a

I agree with clothing being a very good first step. I wanted to also mention that a good night's sleep can make all the difference for most women so check into good sleeping pads and bags as well as a solid non leaky tent! If you wish to try backpacking, the number one thing I hear from ladies as to why they gave it up is that their backpack hurt, so it's worth the money for a good one.

That is where my mind was. I

That is where my mind was. I've heard great things about hammocks as well. But they just seem too "fiddly" with the set up requirements. I have been hunting for a very good tent, sleeping pad, and sleeping bag. As I have no gear now, I am prepared to buy whatever it takes to get the job done. I won't be asking her to carry more than #20. I am going to stay less than #30 if at all possible. We don't live in an area where we can try on UL packs, so that will be an exercise in research and luck.

I am personally a hammocker

I am personally a hammocker myself and love it, but I've been camping for over 20 years and am pretty experienced but you are right they do require some setup. Hammocks are not too hard to figure out even for a beginner but it may be more than someone who isn't comfortable with camping wants to deal with.
I am also a ul backpacker and honestly when I started backpacking 2 years ago if you put 30lbs on my back I'd have said no thanks. My husband on the other hand doesn't mind the extra weight. We backpack in two different weight categories, me in ultralight and him in light and that's what works for us. The best test we found is to go to REI and try on all the packs you can with their sandbag weights. Sometimes they have tents setup you can let her try too. As for the UL gear companies, if you have the free capital they are really good at letting you buy a few backs and then return the ones you didn't like.

I didn't even think of that

I didn't even think of that as a first step. What a great idea. I guess I, like many people, immediately start looking at tents and bags and packs and stoves and overlook the basics... Thank you.

You're welcome!

You're welcome!

One thing people don't always think about is that if you have good clothing, it can be a part of your sleeping system if the temperatures get colder than your sleeping bag can handle. In fact, when it comes to ultralight backpacking principles, your clothing should be considered when figuring out what kind of sleeping bag to get. For example, if you have a nice lightweight puffy jacket and pants, then you can afford to get away with a lighter weight sleeping bag/quilt.

The other nice thing about clothing is that you can use it all the time - not just on backpacking trips (making it easier to justify the cost) - which gives you have lots of opportunities to get it dialed-in.

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